At 17 I was already an experienced seeker looking for self-improvement methods. Since my childhood I was looking for answers how to become a better person and worked hard on my character and abilities. Interestingly, nobody inspired me for that, and I had no like-minded friends or elderly guidance to support me on the way, it was all my own drive, coming from deep within..
I knew that fear was something that blocks the inner growth a lot. I had some disturbing fears such as of dogs and darkness. And I decided to overcome them.
I used to spend every summer at my grandparents’ village, a lovely and healthy place in south of Russia. One night I decided to venture something which was a total horror for me: to climb up a big hill in the night, all alone. The distance to the hill was a rather unfriendly one: 2 houses where no-one lived and a huge field, where normally nobody would pass by at this time, except for wild dogs. The full package, so to say. Quite scary, I must tell you.
Normally I used to walk there in the night with a company of 5-6 friends and then it was fun. Just to think of going there alone was a nightmare itself. Actually I was already in my bed as I suddenly realized: now or never! I dressed up a left the house unnoticed.
That was a pretty powerful walk. I felt that the only thing that could keep me away from the fear was…to talk to God. 🙂 Funny enough because since I grew up as an atheist I never knew how to pray. But at that moment I felt that’s the only thing I could do. And I started adressing God and aksing to save me from any possible calamity on the way.
I passed the field and the gloomy river bank, rather courageous. And I started climbing the hill, keeping the same mode of talk to God whom I didn’t know… Here I must say that I knew the surroundings pretty well – my friends and I, we spent many days and nights playing around the place. So basically there should have been nothing new.
AND SUDDENLY…I saw something unusual. Something whitening on top of the hill. I was shocked as I realised there was something (or somebody?!?). Could it be a horse or a cow that run away from the stable? – Sometimes such things would happen. Is the animal probably mad? Would it be wiser to turn back? All sorts of suppositions and fears run through my poor head. But I stayed firm: I decided to overcome the fear, and be what it should be, I would reach the top of the hill. And I continued walking up, coming closer to the unknown subject. “Well dear God, I am sure you will protect me” I continued talking to God and all of a sudden I heard a voice asking: “Axinia, is that you?”.
NO, it was not the voice of God :).
It turned out that one distant friend from another village was sitting there on top of the hill with his girlfriend, spending some romantic sightseeing time in our corner. How did he know it was me? He told me that knowing me being so “different” he thought who else would do such a crazy thing? And what for? (Obviously he was right :). The most incredible thing is that normally really NOBODY was out there in the night. That was not a popular place, actually quite far from the center and apart from us (our clique) no one would ever go there. This was such an incredible coincidence, the fact that I wanted to go there exactly at the time where someone I knew was also there and thus I felt so safe and cared of!
The lesson I learned was that of trust. I realized that despite me never getting into danger, even if I try to challenge myself and dive into a dangerous situation, still nothing would happen to me.
And that was and still is this way. No calamity has ever happened to me so far and, needless to say, all my fears vanished. Even more so – if I am with a person who tends to get into troubles, trouble will avoid us both.