1000 petals by axinia

the only truth I know is my own experience

Overcoming fears: how I tested myself at 17 January 25, 2011

Filed under: thoughts — axinia @ 5:58 pm

image by axinia

At 17 I was already an experienced seeker looking for self-improvement methods. Since my childhood I was looking for answers how to become a better person and worked hard on my character and abilities. Interestingly, nobody inspired me for that, and I had no like-minded friends or elderly guidance to support me on the way, it was all my own drive, coming from deep within..

I knew that fear was something that blocks the inner growth a lot. I had some disturbing fears such as of dogs and darkness. And I decided to overcome them.

I used to spend every summer at my grandparents’ village, a lovely and healthy place in south of Russia. One night I decided to venture something which was a total horror for me: to climb up a big hill in the night, all alone. The distance to the hill was a rather unfriendly one: 2 houses where no-one lived and a huge field, where normally nobody would pass by at this time, except for wild dogs. The full package, so to say. Quite scary, I must tell you.

Normally I used to walk there in the night with a company of 5-6 friends and then it was fun. Just to think of going there alone was a nightmare itself.  Actually I was already in my bed as  I suddenly realized: now or never! I dressed up a left the house unnoticed.

That was  a pretty powerful walk. I felt that the only thing that could keep me away from the fear was…to talk to God. 🙂 Funny enough because since I grew up as an atheist I never knew how to pray. But at that moment I felt that’s the only thing I could do. And I started adressing God and aksing to save me from any possible calamity on the way.

I passed the field and the gloomy river bank, rather courageous. And I started climbing the hill, keeping the same mode of talk to God whom I didn’t know… Here I must say that I knew the surroundings pretty well – my friends and I, we spent many days and nights playing around the place. So basically there should have been nothing new.

AND SUDDENLY…I saw something unusual. Something whitening on top of the hill. I was shocked as I realised there was something (or somebody?!?). Could it be a horse or a cow that run away from the stable?  – Sometimes such things would happen. Is the animal probably mad? Would it be wiser to turn back? All sorts of suppositions and fears run through my poor head. But I stayed firm: I decided to overcome the fear, and be what it should be, I would reach the top of the hill. And I continued walking up, coming closer to the unknown subject. “Well dear God, I am sure you will protect me” I continued talking to God and all of a sudden I heard a voice asking:  “Axinia, is that you?”.

NO, it was not the voice of God :).

It turned out that one distant friend from another village was sitting there on top of the hill with his girlfriend, spending some romantic sightseeing time in our corner. How did he know it was me? He told me that knowing me being so “different” he thought who else would do such a crazy thing? And what for? (Obviously he was right :). The most incredible thing is that normally really NOBODY was out there in the night. That was not a popular place, actually quite far from the center and apart from us (our clique) no one would ever go there. This was such an incredible coincidence, the fact that I wanted to go there exactly at the time where someone I knew was also there and thus I felt so safe and cared of!

The lesson I learned was that of trust. I realized that despite me never getting into danger, even if I try to challenge myself and dive into a dangerous situation, still nothing would happen to me.

And that was and still is this way. No calamity has ever happened to me so far and, needless to say, all my fears vanished. Even more so – if I am with a person who tends to get into troubles, trouble will avoid us both.

LOVE; axinia


21 Responses to “Overcoming fears: how I tested myself at 17”

  1. Mahesh chendake Says:

    my grandmother used to tell me one story
    In forest there was a temple. when a heavy rain started 7 people reach to that temple . rain was very heavy and light was dancing like anything. so one of them told that one person among them is bad person because whom they all are in trouble. one person amoung them told why to test just weight it will reduced but other people not ready to listen so they decided one by one every person will go out so light will fall on him and others will save .like that way all has gone out except that one who was refusing. so other people forcefully send him out . and see fortune once he went out the light fall on temple and all six were died…..

  2. Elke Says:

    You were a brave girl, Axinia!

    I find that when children are brought up with love and care they develop a certain confidence and feel like nothing terrible can happen to them – a certain trust in god one could call it.

    I doubt I would have gone on that hill that night all by myself, but there where many occasions where I would be the “brave one” when being with friends who were scared.

  3. swaps Says:

    True…you don’t think too much, you just act! I have seen that 🙂

    Btw, talking of fear reminds me of what I read somewhere: ‘men would
    sooner go to battle front than declare their love to a girl.’


    • Mahesh chendake Says:

      being atheist and having military background from family how you develop the attraction toward such difficult unpopular most probably dislike by that particular age subject ? how you look towards it when seeing behind? don’t you different girl from other of your age?
      When I consider my past life, my family environment is strongly religious and grown up in such environment where such debate, activities were very common most probably puja,recitation of mantra,and visiting to certain temple was routine. I have very less friends and i used to mix with friend on play ground very less rather i used to involve myself in siting in temple and recitation of mantra waking up early and siting for meditation or going on hill find the caves for meditation like that activity used to do which quite different from my age friend. Our family is purely vegetarian family by religion also. In our village in temple in evening people used to sing bhajans but I never mixed with them. we practiced ” agnihotra” evening prayer in home and temple since from childhood.I used to read many books including religious which were very big but I used to finish very fast. and still I remember I used to find those activities useless so used to get frustrate that whatever i am searching I am not getting. so again I used to search more.used to discuss with certain people more but as usual dissatisfy myself so I never follow anybody or any book just for puja purpose.
      I remember First time I heard about Mother in Brahmapuri when I was in ninth. then in twelfth when Mother’s program was in kolhapur I remember we debate on that how it possible? then in 1988 In karad as I joined as staff in Krishna, mother visited but I was totally unaware as i was involve another very big religious and popular program as whole karad was involve. so still time has not come… It came after 14 years)
      Then lot of things happen in between. I completed graduation I got married I went into financial crises during house construction. My friend used to talk like I may commit suicide. In side I was very much frustrated
      and search was continued. What I was searching I am not getting.
      Finally I still remember that day in ( 13 April 2003) saw mother posters on road side I decided to attend that program leaving other popular program at same time I went walking for 6 km and came back during night after attending program and told to wife that we are going to continue same now. Still I missed next two centers and then I continue in Sahajayoga….. Now I stop my search as I feel connected.

      • axinia Says:

        good question, mahesh… the only explanation I have is that I was a born seeker , with seeking experience of many past lives. Otherwise I would not know how to explain, since neither in my background nor social environment I had a chance to awaken this interest to Spirituality.
        And thanks for sharing of your story, this is really interesting!

        • Many past lives??? 😕

          You know I don’t believe in the turdy, non-sensical, sub-human hindoid crap called previous births’ karma, Axinia, but I’m still curious to learn more whenever someone (apart from the nefarious hindoid savages who believe in the crap of p.b.k.) mentions “past lives”.

          So far, the closest I’ve come to learning something about “past lives” is on reading about some freak incidents when a child or two happens to remember something totally removed from himself/herself, including the details of a person in another place. And coincidentally, it so happens that someone lived in that place but died prematurely and the incidents the child remembers happens to be associated with him/her. This is then touted as the supposed existence of “past lives”. Even those “near death experiences” can now be scientifically explained as having nothing to do with supposed “past lives” or “rebirth”.

          I wonder if you remember anything concrete about any one of your many past lives 😕


          • axinia Says:

            no, I don’t remember anything. I guess India must be some of these places because my intrested and “feeling home” there is so strong.
            I don’t think we really need to remember our past lives, otherwise our bain would explode!

            But by observing people I came to the conclsion that we all get born with a a set of differnt “past lives” experience which makes us to what we are – of cause, social backgorund and all that comes to it, but the base of a person is something which has been there long before. Otherwise how can you explain that people from the same family (same background, genes, etc.) can be so different?

            • mahesh chendake Says:

              how can you explain that people from the same family (same background, genes, etc.) can be so different?

              This is million dollar question i am searching for.This is common observation that even though these children having same upbringing ,develop differently and behave differently. The child form a good family may get spoil even though wel protected and a child from slum even though exposed all bad things still develop good. How & why exctly this phenominon occure? because money,culture,religion, or good family upbringing has very less or no impact i belive now a days. every individual is unique and develop uniqly I belive apart from exposure and chances of development he got.
              how you look for this?

              • axinia Says:

                mahesh, as I already said – there is a certain division, may be it’s 50/50: the impact of the “previous experiences/past life/whatever you may call it) and then the rest (family, envinroment, land, etc.). Millions of factors can influence, not only one or two. I guess we will never really know the proportion 🙂

            • We don’t happen to “remember our past lives” because we have NONE! It’s as simple as that, Axinia 🙂

              We DON’T “get born” as what we are. We get born as an act of nature, as a result of the inbuilt tendency of all living creatures (right from lowly viruses) to breed and make copies of themselves. The crap of p.b.k has got nothing to do with it. If that were the case, were all the low IQed, pea-brained savages who voraciously gulp down bovine liquid excrement (i.e. the sub-human hindoid hordes who consume cow’s urine) born as “sewer-digesting bacteria” that are used to treat waste water, going by their unexplained fondness of cow pee??? 😆 🙂

              Otherwise how can you explain that people from the same family (same background, genes, etc.) can be so different?

              Do you look like your sister, Axinia 😕 I don’t think so. I mean, you may have a few common features, but that’s about it. You’re Axinia and she’s Tatiana, despite being born of the same parents. Why do you and your sister look different, despite having “the same background and genes” 😕

              It’s because your genes are SIMILAR but NOT THE SAME, not by any means! It’s possible to look at your DNA and identify it as Axinia’s and look at your sister’s DNA and identify it as Tatiana’s. Of course, one can also tell that you are blood sisters by looking at your DNA, but one can also identify each one individually. Then how can the genes ever be the same 😕

              Let alone sisters like you two. Take twins. Of course, there are different types of twins. One type is twins formed of different zygotes who are born together. They can be as different as any siblings and have different DNAs.

              The other is monozygotic twins who are born of a single zygote after it splits into two and develops separately. They have the same DNA (genes), but even they DIFFER in certain features that can be identified!


              So even in the very rare case that one has exactly the “same genes” as in the case of monozygotic identical twins, they differ when they are born into the world ONLY because they interacted slightly differently with their mother while sharing the same womb. If such a slight change in interaction can result in different characteristics among twins with the same DNA when they are born, then consider how much they can differ when growing up under different conditions. Just give one such twin to a filthy rich family and the other to a family always leading a difficult and hard hand-to-mouth existence, and the result when they grow up would be quite different. Though they would resemble each other in terms of features, they would otherwise be quite different that anyone could separate the two, just like in Dumas’ Man in the Iron Mask, which some speculate was based on a real life person.

              We are what we are because of nature, nurture, nutriture and n other smaller factors. Being such a complex thing, who we are and why we behave the way we do can scientifically be explained as the result of a massively complex equation that we just don’t have sufficient computing power to solve (and perhaps may never do so). It’s got nothing to do with the sewery, superstitious blind belief of the ultra low IQed sub-human hindoid barbaro-hominoid creatures and their stinking, rotten, shit dump of a “religion” that spews out satanic lies about some turdy obnoxious crap called previous births’ karma 👿


    • axinia Says:

      haha, swaps…a good observation!.. it’s true, I preffer to be spontaneous and to act rather than to make plans and never do anything about it 🙂

  4. Nishant AGRAWAL Says:

    Hey Axi,

    I like crazy creatures like you – for I belong(ed) to the same category. The difference between you and I is that I used to ‘just pile on’ without assessing the situation at hand. Fear and depression were foreign to me, what triggered me was Curiosity (and it never killed the cat  ). To diagnose a few symptoms… putting finger into a broken switch to ‘taste’ electricity, almost drowned by jumping into the deep sea without knowing that its under-currents are unlike in the swimming pools (that was the first time I prayed to God), hopping onto and off from the hook between wheels of a moving freight train, selling a cinema ticket in black fooling the cop on duty there, shoplifting in the then maximum security bookshop of Delhi (the title, “Crime and Punishment” by Dostovsky provided the ‘inspiration’), bunking classes at a tender age, smoking a hand-made cigarette at the age of three; at five, stealing my father’s whiskey (and doing the non-Sahaji act), crossing chest deep rivers with logs flowing at nights in the hilly terrains and, exploring unknown and unchartered mountains similar to the one you described makes me share my one such experience,

    Almost all my errands were spirited either by some sort of innate seeking or a self-styled and solitary pilgrimage. While visiting my brother’s family then in Dehradun, one morning, I backpacked and took off beyond the already explored parts of Mussoorie, a popular hill station hardly an hour away. Having walked about six kms, I saw the sign post to a Devi temple to which I headed. After another two kms on the secluded route, I chanced upon a milkman who sat resting on this detour. We chatted for half an hour. Going his way, he guided me to a ‘short cut’ to the temple on the hillock. Well, there are no short cuts on the path of spirituality is what I realized after getting lost on the ‘short cut’ and returning to the same detour. Having taken into account the sunset phenomenon in the hilly areas, I should have retracted but that was not to be and soon before I could hit the temple it was dark.

    The single room temple, which measured barely ten sq. ft., looked almost unfrequented and had no electricity or water. The dreary atmosphere outside offered the unthinkable option of sleeping next to the Goddess as the only choice. Say prayers and ask for forgiveness is what I did and went for searching in the area for the two boulderstones which I used as a substitute for the missing bolts on the double door. …Later during the night, there were knocks on two different occasions on the door. Although quizzed, I laid unmoved without response.

    The morning was beautiful, and attending to the call of the nature in the nature was more natural than ever. The decent descent down the foothill turned even more decent when those wood-collecting women couldn’t help making the first move  asking, “Who are you, where are you coming from?”. I coyly explained that I had slept in the temple up there. With awe in her innocent eyes, one of them said, “But there are bears there!” (knock knock?). Amused and amazed as they were by now, another added, “Not many people go there because the Goddess there is known for punishing bad souls. “As I came unscathed means I am a good soul” said I cheekily. 😉

    -Saviour is stronger than slayer.


    • axinia Says:

      lovely story, Nishant, very corageous of you!
      and I never knew thre are bears in India…

      • Nishant AGRAWAL Says:

        Not courageous. Such things happen(ed) ‘by the way’ with me. Perhaps I was more integral to the creation and lived life in a flux of Present.

        Not only bears, but leopards too can be spotted – you just need to ‘prowl’ (in a jeep of course) at the right time and right place (mostly in the Tehri region).

        CORRIGENDUM : The temple measured 10×10 ft. (not 10sq. ft.).


  5. Triveni Says:

    Quite inspiring though 🙂
    i should try it myself for the irrational fears i sometimes have. Like fear of darkness and fear of getting lost and fear of ghosts that makes it impossible for me to stay alone in some places. i did start reciting devi kavach and it has helped me a lot in putting away lot of fears and making the anahat stronger though..
    coming to past lives i totally agree with the fact that ppl are what they did in the past including past lives.. in fact the word karma is totally true, but the best part is there is a path of salvation that frees u from ur past deeds and makes u truly blessed, and i am glad that i found it.. 🙂
    although we dont remember much of past lives its surprising how so many people want to get their past lives analyzed after the famous book by Brain Weiss. there were so many tv shows in india that showed ppl getting hypnotized into past lives to solve their current problems. although it sounds so interesting it feels so unnatural to go back in time to ur past, as that is when the bhooths catch. as shri mataji nirmala devi says, u r not the past nor the future, u r the present.. thinking about it i would rather not prefer going back and analyzing, i would leave that job to god. i would prefer being in present and enjoying the present as it truly is a present (i meant gift – gosh it just sounded like a tongue twister :p )..

    • Mahesh chendake Says:

      There are many famous international gurus in India who are doing business of clearing of your past and earning thousands and leaving lavish life even though their so called followers struggles to clear past.
      Axinia ,You may not be understand how Indians are impacted by this previous birth karma theory ( human murder/ death to relive from bad karma and to earn money or property ? Still is existing in so called educated Maharashtra , Incidences of Mandhardevi ( Wai) and vidharbh and many more I can quote you even from last month fresh) and still levering in stone age even though having good capacities to earn better and to leave life satisfactory that why I condemn that theory.( Raj will Be happy !! ). really i dont believe all that . Rather I agree with triveny last coat …. concentrate in present. do hard work for success still enjoy the life moment by moment rather than cursing for failure and humiliation of self and others.and not much bothering for future.!!!

      • axinia Says:

        i see your point, mahesh…however “the past life” theiory is the only explanation to me in this case of such evolutionary differences between people with same biological, social, etc. background. I dont’t bother about “clearing the past life” as you say – actually never knew about it, that somebody does it..

        .But obviously there are many phenomenas in life which poit out to some previous experience – for instance, like meeting someone you feel you knew for ages…this is a very special feeling. Just beyond any logic. I met several people whom I had a feeling I knéw “from before”, this cannot be mixed with any other recognition. How can you explain that?

        • Mahesh chendake Says:

          At present I don’t have explanation for that as I too have same feeling. Even though I am experiencing first time I feel this happen before or I know this person very well but still I dont have sound explanation for that. probably the theory of transferring character through kundalini along with spirit as body vanishes in five element along with previous body’s character No previous karma is transferred. judgment of right or wrong things occur in one and same birth it is not transferred as there no such phenomenon attached to spirit . Unfortunately we lack in sound study of it . Initially Psychology began with spirit then it turn to mind and now it is tun to observable behavior so concept of spirit lags behind and most people don’t accept concept of Kundalini without which it is difficult to explain. every time spirit comes on this earth with specific purpose does it may up bring individuals spiritual growth and goes back along with its transcription written on kundalii based on that transcript probably in next time we may feel recognizing on basis of that or chances of attracting same people to complete remaining task
          love ,regards and thanks .
          I dont know which incomplete task we are completing as I enjoy this blog and feel attached!!!
          so thanks again

          • Triveni Says:

            There is no doubt that we do carry instances from past and that explains a lot of what we are today. As axinia rightly gave example, meeting someone for 1st time yet u felt u knew them for a very long time. Attachments or attraction to some places. or some intutive knowledge of some learnings from your past lives.Like whenever i see people enjoying drinking smoking or drug addicts seeking somthing there. may be happiness, i cant help but strongly feel that real joy doesnt lie there. and i feel very strongly that i have been there somtime (for sure not in this life 🙂 ), so the only explanation is i guess i was some hippie in my past life, seeking..
            such prev life karma was only it was only confirmed by Brain weiss analysis of past lives. in fact he also talks about different levels the souls pass and etc, which is nothing alien to us. we all know of the different levels our souls need to pass. and its very true, every life has a purpose. a purpose to learn something and become a better soul. and until that lesson is not learnt we do not pass, just like our school/college classes.
            i honestly felt he did them with good intentions and he hit upon it by chance. But the fact is the channel through which he suggests to get rid of the negativities of past lives is not centralized. Its through the left channel – past and not suggestible. it is similar to going to psychics for issues.

  6. I dont’t bother about “clearing the past life” as you say

    It’s good that you don’t bother about it, Axinia 🙂 Because no matter what the cheating, deceiving, lying hindoid vermin who make a profession of such a thing may tell you, it simply cannot be done – because one cannot “clear” something that never existed or happened in the first place! 😉

    …actually never knew about it, that somebody does it.

    Haven’t you heard about the principle on which the so-called “religion” of Hinduism functions 😕 No, NOT what the sub-human, low IQed hindoid savages told you about Hinduism or what some gullible, naive and clueless Hindophile or Indophile told you about the world’s most satanic “religion” but about the real, notoriously uncouth and sub-satanic principle on which the sewery religion functions 😕 You guessed it correct, it IS exactly the same thing that you never knew about 😯


  7. killer bees Says:

    It turned out that one distant friend from another village was sitting there on top of the hill with his girlfriend, spending some romantic sightseeing time in our corner. How did he know it was me?

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