1000 petals by axinia

the only truth I know is my own experience

Marriage is a trade September 12, 2009

Marriage is a trade where you get more than what you bring. Gregoire de Kalbermatten

Although it sounds brutally capitalistic, it is true – whatever we give in a marriage, the gain is always higher. May be because only in this sacred institution we have a chance to grow and get transformed so much more than in any other kind of relationships?..

LOVE; axinia

(image by me)


24 Responses to “Marriage is a trade”

  1. What is so “sacred” about marriage, Axinia 😕 Okay, marriage may be a very special relationship as it is unlike any other, but what is so sacrosanct about a (hopefully) lifelong bond beween a man and a woman?

    Besides humans aren’t the only animals that (generally) pair for life.

    Gibbon apes, wolves, termites, coyotes, barn owls, beavers, bald eagles, golden eagles, condors, swans, brolga cranes, French angel fish, sandhill cranes, pigeons, prions (a seabird), red-tailed hawks, anglerfish, ospreys, prairie voles (a rodent), and black vultures – are a few that mate for life.

    Why do you call marriage a “sacred institution” 😕 Marriages are NOT made in an imaginary place called “heaven” by an imaginary entity but they are made on EARTH between two individuals.

    And the funny thing about marriage is that there is no universal definition for it. Normally, you would expect a man and a woman to marry each other out of love for each other on their own free will. But that is not the case always, especially in the semi-civilised parts of the world. In “forced marriages” in some barbaric cultures, a woman (especially) may not even get to see her husband before the day of marriage 😡 In backward cultures, “arranged marriages” tend to be an agreement between two families who decide that their wards are suited for each other based on how much dowry they can give and take. And though the woman and her parents “purchase” the husband, the woman (and the money) end up as the “property” of the husband and her in-laws. That’s because these backward cultures treat women as “child-bearing machines” that can be owned as “property” 😯 In other backward cultures, two women are equal to half a man 😯 Other backward cultures believe that all women are sinners who can never be the equals of men but exist only to help men fulfill their “responsiblity” (by breeding). And increasingly in some places, “marriage” does not necessarily mean a relationship between a man and a woman.

    So what is so “sacred” about an institution that cannot even be defined in concrete terms 😕

    • axinia Says:

      Raj, this is an old discussions between u and me 🙂 The problem is that we are not in the equal position here: I am married and you are not. It means our experiences are different. `
      I belive that marriage is sacred because it feels like it, I can clearly percept it this way. I don`t know if you remember my old post on shaktipowerblog about one special thing about marriage:

      In a marriage people become (blood)-relatives! – not only that they become officially recognised as a couple, but they start being seen as people naturally RELATED to each other. In Russian there is a special word for it, “rodnoy” which means somebody who is of your own blood. This word is often being used also in relevance to husband or wife. I am sure there should be some similar terms also in other languages. In English this phenomenon is reflected though the –in law title of the relatives. Thus, after getting married two families become literary one, become brothers, sisters, mothers and fathers to each other.

      It looks so simple but it fact, any marriage makes strangers to relatives who feel closely connected to each other! (Sometimes even closer than with actual relatives). This relationship is fixed, and you should live with that and work it out if something is not perfect. That is a very wise way to bring people together, to cement the society.

  2. Ldinka_108 Says:

    well, good marriages are made in heaven, no doubt. bad ones are too, only for a different reason 🙂 the most strong spiritual lessons come through marriage – it is empirical (i mean difficult to understand without experiencing it by oneself).
    if seriously, marriage is an enormous work. and if both halves try hard equally, it turns into a beautiful union of soul mates.
    and yes, being married – isn’t that the most natural way for mature person to be? 🙂

    • axinia Says:

      Ldinka, what a beautiful comment!..
      So true, I totally agree.
      And, BTW, your rose-avatar is just awesome, It decorates my comment board 🙂

      I wonder if you are willing to start your personal blog?? Would be great!! Please join in!

  3. Ldinka_108 Says:

    Axinia, rose picture I took this summer from my garden 🙂 vot 🙂
    you might e-mail me anytime directly if you need to.
    much love from Colorado 🙂

  4. It looks like I’ve been misunderstood, as usual 😐 I never said marriage is something that is useless and should be done away with… far from it, actually. I only meant to say that marriage is not something that’s “sacred” but is just a special human relationship. Like all other things that are human made, the institution of marriage can vary widely from what one understands by the ideal meaning of the word marriage. “Marriage” can often mean anything from an economic transaction between people who aren’t even the ones getting married to forced lifelong servitude for the woman… all this and more happens in the barbaric cultures and semi-civilised societies in this world 😡

    I agree with you that marriage is definitely a special relationship, Axinia, since it turns two strangers into blood relatives. But what is so sacrosanct about the institution of marriage?

    It is a public proclamation that a man and a woman are husband and wife. This kind of behaviour is not even unique to us in the animal kingdom. Gibbons, wolves, condors etc. also mate for life but they don’t publicly proclaim it to their kind. In fact, if all the animals that I’ve listed do have only one mate for their entire lives, then their relationships are much more special than human marriage! That’s because even without a public proclamation and an indoctrinated “religious duty”, they are able to find their ideal mates and stay faithful to their partners for the rest of their lives. That’s unbelievable behaviour by those animal species!

    So marriage is just us humans claiming something that’s a part of the nature of many species to be something “sacred” and “divine” (as we always do) and give it an exalted “sacrosant” status.

    Actually, I think the “-in-law” thing in the English language best describes the relationship between the two families 🙂 Even if a man and wife become blood relatives by marriage, the “-in-laws” are just that ie. people who become mother, father, sister, daughter etc. by law because of marrying their spouse. And the law is a very stupid thing to act as the binding force in a relationship.

    Do you really think people become mothers and fathers to each other by marriage, Axinia 😕 While mother is a term used with the utmost respect, mother-in-law happens to be a much reviled term and is the object of stale jokes. Why is that? 😉 😀

    the most strong spiritual lessons come through marriage

    Weren’t some of the greatest spiritual thinkers the ones who had completely renounced life (and marriage) and went into solitude? 🙂

    bad ones are too, only for a different reason

    What is the reason 😕 I’m unable to guess it.

    • Ldinka_108 Says:

      “the most strong spiritual lessons come through marriage”

      i meant experiences coming through boundaries of relationships and intensity of the feelings because they (boundaries and feelings) are usually very strong in marriages. strong boundary (attachment) provokes strong lessons. they kind of create short cuts for Divine Play to deliver Its messages to us – like what should one pay attention to or even change in him/herself if it causes some problem and so on.

      for really great thinkers – they were not much attached to anybody, you are right. they carried out pronounced Guru principle through the life. they had different from regular people purposes in their lives (sharing their great knowledge with others). Also, they didn’t need the Growth, they were already there 🙂

      For achieving Spiritual Growth through ascetic practices, I like how Shri Mataji says about it. I don’t remember the exact words, but meaning is like this: we don’t need to be ascetic to achieve Spiritual Growth anymore. We can learn a lot through everyday life activities (and it is one of the beauties of Sahaja Yoga), through interactions with other people, and having a family is actually most important part of it. What does a good family base on? Love, respect, generosity, compassion, caring (not only about each other, but about broader range of people, community). Who wouldn’t want to live in society built out of those kind of families? I would, and I want my kids, too. It is why I practice and spread Sahaja Yoga – because it provides inner transformation right here and right now for anyone who desires it.
      Another point – without being raised in the strong loving family, kids posses different problems which create problems in the future not only for them, but for others, too, possibly for whole society. It is why marriage must be a sacrosanct institution – to provide strong bases for the society. And it is one if “marriage” is not just something written on the paper. Real marriage is a state of the soul, union of the soul mates. And it is a very strong powerful thing.

      “bad ones are too, only for a different reason”

      somebody great said that if you are lucky to have a good wife – you are happy and satisfied, if you have a bad wife, you turn into a philosopher 🙂 and start introspecting (my addition)
      in reality, there are no ideal humans, of course. we all bring into marriage our concepts/ideas, bad/good habits, even cultural differences sometimes and so on. and if some of this “luggage” makes “other half” unhappy in some grade, here is where the work out begins. and sometimes loosing concepts/habits feels even good afterward (yeah-yeah, it might be even the very reason why the work out had a place), but during the process it might be not very easy for everyone.

      it is what i meant.
      hope, it helps 🙂 sorry for the long post.

      • I completely agree with you that kids who aren’t raised by loving families have a tough time and they may develop behavioural problems later on in life.

        What does a good family base on? Love, respect, generosity, compassion, caring (not only about each other, but about broader range of people, community). Who wouldn’t want to live in society built out of those kind of families?

        You are right, Ldinka. But you’re talking about civilised societies and people. Therefore, you assume that all societies that have a strong family base would produce citizens who are loving, caring, generous, compassionate etc. That’s hardly the case with crude, primitive societies.

        One thing that’s common to most of the semi-civilised peoples and backward societies is that they have a strong family base. However, the word “family” itself has a different meaning among these semi-civilised peoples. Because of the savage nature of such peoples, a family is not a unit consisting of two loving individuals who raise their kids to be good human beings. Instead, the “family” is just another of their primitive clan like institutions where love, compassion, caring etc. have no meaning. Instead of bringing up kids to be good human beings, the “families” train the kids to fit into their semi-civilised societies by inculcating savagery in them.

        In such savage societies, a newly married bride is deliberately burnt to death by the “family” because she did not bring enough dowry with her. For these mediaeval people, the very purpose of marriage is for the woman to produce male offspring. If she is carrying a girl child in her womb, she is forced to abort it by the “family” (female foeticide). Or worse, the girl child is killed (female infanticide) or abandoned in a trash heap. If she is somehow brought up as a second class child by the “family” all the while abusing her for being a girl, she also has to face child abuse by the perverted savages in the “family”. She is forced to shut up and bear it by her own “family” in order to prevent bringing “dishonour” to the “family”. If she grows up and decides to marry someone she loves who happens to be outside her own caste/religion, then both of them are murdered in cold blood by their savage “families” in what is known as an “honour killing” 😡 Another savage society passed a law making “wife-beating” legal in “families” 😡

        How would you expect such crude societies to produce decent human beings, let alone loving, caring, compassionate civilised people even if they have a strong “family” structure? The very words of “marriage” and “family” have different meanings among civilised people and the semi-civilised hordes. Civilised people look to build loving marriages and families. For the semi-civilised hordes, “marriage” and “family” are just tools to make everyone fit into the savage nature of their societies.

        Unforunately, the semi-civilised hordes aren’t going to civilise themselves in the foreseeable future 😦 The savages breed at alarming rates even if their societies are already overpopulated. Couple that with the breakdown of the real family structure and low birth rates in the civilised societies and the result is going to be horrible 😯 It’s quite common to hear of savagery practised among the hordes that have moved to civilised societies. The civilised societies are simultaneously being broken down by the crooks who have taken control in order to maximise profits for themselves by exploiting slave labour like conditions in the semi-civilised world. It’s all being done on purpose – to pull down the civilised societies so that the entire world is turned into a big, global semi-civilised “village” (over)populated by the hordes in order to maximise profits for the crooked ruling kleptocracy and oligarchy that rules the world indirectly 😦

        • Ldinka_108 Says:

          It seems that you are very sensitive and caring person. I understand completely what you are saying. Actually, those matters you described above motivate me even more to do what I’m doing with my life. Telling you more – I was raised in that kind of society with similar principles you described. And I don’t want the same for my my kids. And here is the thing. I don’t accept it, so I DO something to change it. Because in every human being, even loaded with conceptions and conditionings which rule that society, there is a spark of the hope for better life, for love. We all are the same, no matter where and how we live – we all are looking for unconditional love all our lives. It might be dormant and hidden very deep, but it does exist until that person’s body is alive. And this gives the world a hope for a change. And it is a big work – to change the world, but with God’s help it is doable.

          • Ldinka, I wish you luck in your noble attempt to change it. Hope for a change in the word? Attempting to change the incorrigible is quite a hopeless task 🙄 Good luck to you anyway! 🙂

            • Ldinka_108 Says:

              Thanks, Raj 🙂
              Of course, it is not possible to make a change alone. There are many people who have strong desire for it and do work on it. And they do make difference in people’s life. And, I don’t have a mission and responsibility for the whole world. I work on changing myself, and support it in others. Doesn’t it make a difference, you think?
              There is a nice fairy tale about it. One guy was walking along a sea beach in the morning after a night storm. There were a million-gazillion starfish laying on the sand thrown there by the strong waves lately. The guy noticed there was an elder person, picking up one starfish after another and returning it back to the sea. Our guy approached the elder one and ask him – why do you do it? does it make any sense? there is a million of the starfish here. You can not possibly make any difference… The elder guy replied – didn’t i do the change just for that one that I just returned back to the sea?

              • You’re welcome! 🙂 I agree, change for oneself is easy and important and it does make a difference as there would be at least be one person less on the wrong side and one more on the right one.

                You can call me naïve or even plain stupid, but how do you support change in others when they themselves don’t want to change their semi-civilised behaviour? 😕 Good habits and civilised behaviour are easy to lose and difficult to learn, but bad habits and savage behaviour are difficult to lose and easy to fall into 😦 In a race to the bottom 👿 , even the weakest contender has a strong change of winning 😡

                • Ldinka_108 Says:

                  it is a huge separate topic, Raj, but believe me – it is doable. it might be a slow, but steady process. it requires a strong desire, patience, pure attention and compassion to do it. all of those – are great powers. additionally, there are very simple, but extremely effective “know-hows” exist to help the process. and it is just another beauty of Sahaja Yoga.
                  i understand that it is just difficult to believe until one tries it by himself, but it is extremely simple. you can proof it by yourself by doing the experiment in 5 minutes, even on-line:
                  what does it take? just a desire to discover a source of unconditional love within oneself which is a great power and could be used as an instrument to bring a change in other people’s life as well.

        • axinia Says:

          Raj, thanks for this insightful comment, I can see your points very well.

  5. poyans Says:

    I saw the title, and wanted to react immediately, but after reading the text, i have to admit, that it is very very true !!! 🙂

  6. Veni Says:

    Such a hot topic and so many comments! Should i join?
    First of all i am married for many years, and lots of experiences had to be gone through.
    Marriage is a very challenging family earthly relation, but yet it could be a beautiful experience if both sides choose to accept it as a spiritual relation; spiritual in a sense that it provides us with an opportunity to build spiritual qualities, not earthly bonds.
    Living in the West nowadays i witness lots of sad marriage family relations. When people turn to materialistic gains, and put down spirituality, it becomes awful, and children especially do not grow in a healthy environment. Children are the ones we have to care of first of all in the family, and to do so they to grow in a family stressing on spiritual values!
    Marriage-family-earthly-relation and family as a society unit should be strong and healthy in order the society to be strong and healthy. Family strength impacts the society strength, and we all have to feel responsible for what we are doing within our families. Everybody belongs to a family regardless of the fact is he/she married, or not.
    Besides we should not be sickly attached neither to the marriages (we have had lots of those on our evolutionary path in our previous lives), neither to the families because it will spoil our spiritual evolutionary ascent, which is to become the Spirit!!!
    We can be attached only to the Spirit, because only the Sprit is eternal. Everything else made of elements is temporary (including our physical bodies) and belongs to Maya.
    Isn’t it better to stick to eternal values, if we want to evolve?

  7. Ldinka_108 Says:

    Veni, Thanks a lot for the reminder.
    Actually, I was talking about spreading SY to the people who don’t have their self realization yet. Talking about myself, I have been married for almost 18 years, so have had plenty of opportunities to confirm your words true.

  8. mahesh chendake Says:

    “successful marriage requires falling in love with same person repeatedly”
    forget about joke but all writings from this blog give very good essence of love /relationship. I totally agree what ever all said because I am from same society which raj writes and experiencing in daily life same thing unfortunately same Indian attitude I have seen in few sahaja marriages also . 12th may is my marriage anniversary. 15 years are over and now what i feel is marriage is not for to get/ extract / to suck / to squeeze something from somebody or not to borrow/purchase a working machine for your family but to get companion, give lots of unconditional love, support when your spouse feels alone and failure and even in joy/to share all emotions/ to witness all emotions/happenings due to which you will get feeling of fulfillment of life/ if not it is just to take responsibility of something/ and and built up a good relationship with strong loving bonds between you both (as well as in both families???? still i am not sure???)………..
    so it is the attitude who decides. how you look towards marriage It can be trade also but gains and losses will be different for different people depending upon their attitude. For Me love marriage and arrange marriage have same results mostly it depends upon how much status you give to woman/ a lady coming in your house leaving every thing behind, to start her own new life. to look another way marriage is also responsibility which wants fruitful results on home front( relations , rearing children, materialism/ everybody’s carrier etc. ) those who fails to communicate and hold, results into failure It is also depend on how much you except from other side .I feel most of the time unrealistic, one sided expectations without love results in to failure that’s why I said not to take but to give. In that sense it become spiritual ( otherwise why we should give unconditionally to unknown and vice a vars a ?) that’s why relationships can be made heavenly by our own contribution not by excepting from other and reaching to end where you both will fill satisfied and fulfilled. nothing will remain to enjoy and just experiencing “HIS” essence (and feeling realized soul) all the time in life.
    Such couples will definitely contribute ( civilized manner)good to society also.

    • axinia Says:

      mahesh, thank for for this interesting input…I really liek this thought: “For Me love marriage and arrange marriage have same results “, in fact you are right!!! It does not matter how the marriage happens, after all what comes out of it is important.

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