There is one very strange thing about my life that keeps repeating again and again: my past disappears till the point of destruction or dissolving and there is no way I can keep it or catch it…
In my school time I went to 3 different schools - none of them is existing any more. At all. In fact none of the places I lived as a child exist (I mean the place is there, but there is no state units like I used to live in). I can not come back to any of my schools and meet the teachers and thank them. I can not see the old walls…I am not sure that the building even exist…Thanks to Internet I have found 2-3 schoolmates, but this is almost nothing. Typical destiny of a child with the soviet military background - we just spread everywhere.
Also in my adult life many realtionships´that used to be intensive just dissolve in the air when over (for any reason like the change of place, job, family situation) - especially the ones that have not been easy. It feels like a the things from the past do not exist - like the past itself… Strange feeling…
I can not say it bothers me - it wonders me actually! The the most amazing thing about it is that basically I am not interested in my past. When I pass by the bulling of the office I used to work in and actually had a good time - I feel really NOTHING. As if I have never been there. If I visit the place I used to live in - I feel NOTHING as I have never experienced anything there (which is actually not true!). This kind of feeling fascinates me a lot, as it goes against the experiences of many people I know…
I know I have some past. And some rather rich on experiences. But it keeps melting away as I pass the life episodes. No past is left for me.
And I do not regret it, as I enjoy the present soooooooooo much!
I wonder if anybody experience it the same way?
LOVE, axinia
axinia
i also live the same situation Axinia and my feeling is that of a full satisfaction, something like i did what i was supposed to do, NOW i am doing what i am supposed to do at the same way, with the same intensity and care and love. I can understand the joy of my present, how important is each moment of my day smiling at the past (and also at the future) but without the feeling of any involvement with it (at least that kind of involvement which many others experience and which does not give sometimes full integration and wellness). Love
i also feel the same way. my sister had written a poem about this state. i enjoy it so much and want to share it with you
I have no past, no future on my mind
I have no memories, no plans, no worries…
I am absorbing the cool breeze and light,
I am dissolving in your peaceful glory…
Oh, precious moment, precious and divine!
You come and pass – for nothing lasts forever.
To make my spirit always sing & shine
I’ll cherish everything – because I travel.
I travel through the distance and time,
And every day is new – the world is changing!…
New places, faces wait for me to come,
New blessings will be brought by every challenge.
So, I don’t wait, don’t hustle, don’t reflect…
I know – the aim of life is so attractive,
It is so close to reach, when you don’t act,
But gets so far – when you think, you’re acting.
So, there’s no past, no future on my mind
I have no memories, no plans, no worries…
I am absorbing the cool breeze and light,
I am dissolving in your peaceful glory…
|poem by vitalia|
I think you are blocking some memories Axinia because from what I know of you through your blog, you feel deeply about everything. You strike me as a feeling person and you don’t like unpleasant thoughts.
I also feel strongly about things, very strongly. And I feel strongly about my past too, like I feel about anything else. it’s important for me to find things of the past and root them…if you know what I mean. Recently I went to a place where I was when I was 7 years old and I found the house, the road (the school was gone) and I felt so happy! I just stood there in that place, soaked in everything and felt something spiritual, I cannot describe it. The building need not be there, but the place is the place. The people might have gone, but my memories of them are intact.
I probably have not explained this well…but I think the past is important, it’s a part of one. One has to look at it in the eye.
At the same time I have friends who I knew since the second grade and I make the effort to be in touch. Almsot every month I meet a friend or two whom has gone away…because they too keep coming back. With them I feel happy, satisfied, fulfilled….
Nita, I see what you mean but let me explain something.
You amy say I block some bad memories - but what about the good ones? Basically, I - as many people I believe - have more good than bad experiences in my life. Why should I block them then? Surely, I remember everthing about my past - but the thing is that I do not really recall. That is interesting and obviously not only my experience (see the comments above).
Now I am interested to meet people from my past - but normally people change so much since their childhood that one can not even recognise the personality! Mostly it goes then about the ego-performance. Who has acieved what…”I tell you about my success, you tell me about yours”. That is at least what I have seen.Probably it is a differnc case with you, as you grew up in the same country and among the same nation.
In my case even the country I grew up in (USSR) does not exist…
Last time i visited my family, my father told me a story very similar to what you are writing up here. He is from ex Yugoslavia, which does not exist anymore and he tried this year for the first time to get in touch with some school friends: the result was that many had left to nowhere and only by telephone he could speak to somebody a little bit. He tried…but since i know my father there is one thing he loves to tell all the time: the past is gone, what’s the meaning to give it too much attention? you have to think about what to do now! This philosophy of him i believe i have been absorbing little by little since ever, and today that i really understand what he means i thank him so much !
I feel the same: you can not change things that happened (if they were unpleasend) and you can not experience them again (if pleasent ones), in any case there is not much need to put the attention into the past.
not too much at least: I noticed that people who think a lot about the past become very melancholic and sad. it they had a good life, they say sometimes: earlier everything was better and if they had a hard life they complain about it.
to be in the present is such a beautiful feeling, very joy-giving and one feels very free…
у Айтматова это называлось “манкурты”